I Would Rather Pour Bleach Into My Eyes Than Watch The Eagles Play Football

By Vick A. '27

First, a note:

This past weekend, Eagles offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo’s house was egged by angry fans. This is unacceptable behavior — despite any animosity that people may have towards him, it’s just a game. Any real-life attacks against players or coaches like this are both immature and unacceptable. While in this article, I will (viciously) critique the entire coaching staff and players, the act of a physical assault on something so personal as a coach’s house appalls me. At the end of the day, they’re the coaches for a reason, and we’re just sitting on our couches yelling at the TV. 

As an Eagles fan, nothing pains me more than watching this team. Kevin Patullo, the offensive coordinator, seems to have the play-designing capability of a toddler. Head coach Nick Siriania, who doesn’t call offensive plays or defensive plays, sits there and looks blankly at the camera like a deer in headlights. Adoree Jackson plays like his helmet is on backwards and his cleats are tied together. As I write this, just thinking about these people makes me mad. But, sitting here vigorously berating players and coaches accomplishes less than systematically breaking them down. 

Let's begin by picking apart the offensive failures of this Philadelphia team. An offense that was ranked 6th in EPA (expected points added) per play last year (0.10) has fallen to (0.02). The offensive machine that produced OPOY Saquon Barkley has churned to a halt; Barkley, who had 2000 running yards last year, is on pace for a measly 908 yards. A.J. Brown, who looked like a perennial top 5 receiver last year, is struggling to get multiple receptions per game this year. So what on earth changed? Well, all the primary offensive weapons remained, and despite some injuries, the offensive line remains solid. The one primary change was a change in offense coordinator; Kellen Moore left to lead the Saints, and Kevin Patullo was promoted from the staff. The Eagles have the 5th fewest first downs in the league, down there with teams like the Titans and the browns. What this means — despite all of the weapons at Patullo's disposal, they are unable to get consistent yardage. So why might this be? Why might a team that was near the top of the league last year fall so much? The answer to this question can be explained by a simple football axiom: the pass game opens up the run game and vice versa. By passing the ball, they open up the box and the line of scrimmage to run the football, and when the linebackers crowd the box and line of scrimmage to prevent the run game, wide receivers have easier matchups and can get open for passing plays. Patullo seems to have the innate ability to do quite the opposite; when the box and line of scrimmage are loaded, he runs the ball, and when there are plenty of safeties and the secondary is packed, he calls passing plays. This is the primary reason the Eagles' offense is stalling. But more than that, the play designs are poor. Nearly every single run play is forced up the middle, and Patullo seems to have a strange addiction to making the best wide receiver duo in the league run solely hitch routes. The Eagles are running more hitch routes than any other team in the league, but why is that important? Hitch routes don’t give smaller receivers like Devonta Smith space to make moves and create space, and bigger, built receivers like A.J. Brown struggled to create yards after the catch on these routes. But in a vacuum, a hitch route isn’t inherently bad; the problem occurs when seemingly all the route designs are hitch route-esque, giving the defense an easier job. The route trees of both Brown and Smith lack the same Kellen Moore-level creativity that led to career years for the two. Not only do basic routes lead to fewer receiving yards, but it also means that receivers are more often covered and thus Hurts has to either throw the ball away (and thus lose a valuable down) or chuck up a prayer and hope Brown or Smith comes down with it (something Smith has done exceptionally well). One possible solution is the slant route, one of  Kellen Moore's favorites for Brown. When running a slant, Brown gets a full head of steam and can just plow through defenders, creating more yards after the catch and more 3rd and managebles. “But wait”, you might say, “this guy's an idiot: he professes the prevalence of hitch and other basic routes in the Eagles offense, yet he forgets they lead the league in aDOT (average depth of target) and are second in Vs Sticks (how deep are passing plays relative to the first down marker).” To that, I would tell you that you are grossly misunderstanding the way the Eagles play football. Allow me to tell you the story of a typical Eagles possession. First, the Eagles love to run the ball on first down, being top ten in the stat. But this isn’t unique to this year, as last year they led the league in this stat. But what's different is their EPA per rushing play — last year it was 0.09 (4th in the league) compared to this year's abysmal -0.05 (21st). This disparity is mostly due to poor blocking schemes and uncreative runs. The passing plays they run aren’t creative either; a crude combination of hitches, bubble screens, and quickouts that generally struggle to connect with receivers. Additionally, defenses love to sit on the quick game, whether that is passing or rushing. Altogether, this causes a lack of meaningful and consistent gain of yardage for the Eagles on both first and second down. Thus, the Eagles get stuck in third-and-long situations. Here is where the aDOT and vs sticks inflation hits — stuck with long citations, the Eagles desperately chuck the ball down the field to no avail, leading to target statistics being inflated. Together, this hellish combination leads to the Eagles having fewer first downs than the Jets. I feel like I could go on and on about the Eagles' struggles, but I think for your sake, I’ll stop my rant. 

But don’t think I won’t get a word in about our defense. First, it would be grossly unfair to just tear them apart, as they have played beautifully. They have saved countless games (including 2 blocked field goals versus the Rams and holding both the Lions and Packers below 10 points), and the team’s record would be a lot closer to the Giants without Vic Fangio's brilliant defensive mind and star performances from many players. In fact, the only part of the defense I have the heart to rip into is the safety room (and by extension, some of the rest of the secondary). Both Adoree Jackson and Kelee Ringo have played terribly as both safeties and corners in many sets, and have surrendered many big plays. Additionally, the rest of the secondary has missed quite a lot of tackles, along with simple miscommunications. We mustn’t forget that many a moment (including game one of the season versus the Cowboys or against the Vikings) has been defined not by the secondary's great plays, but rather by huge drops by star receivers (including both Cedee Lamb and Justin Jefferson). 

Ultimately, being an Eagles fan has hurt this year. Not the same abyss of despair I’m sure Browns fans feel (my prayers go out to you brave souls), but the sort of pain one would feel if they were to buy their child the best art supplies in the world, only for them to scribble on the wall with crayons. Despite an impressive record, most of those wins have been scraped through — the football Pythagorean theorem (which predicts how many wins a team should have based on other metrics) says they should have about 6 wins, placing them 12th in the rankings. Siriani has stated that he is not relieving Patullo of his play-calling duties, yet he does believe that they must make changes. In a league where there seems to be no clear favorite for the chip, there is still plenty of time for the Eagles to turn it around and perhaps go back-to-back.