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Imaarnav’s Advice: The Final Column

How do you choose what questions to answer?


Hi everyone! This, unfortunately, is our final advice column as CPS students. It’s been a good run, and we wanted to end it on a high note! Below you’ll find every single one of our hundreds of questions, answered in our own uniquely sarcastic and occasionally helpful voices. If you’re trying to read all of these, make sure to take breaks, drink water, and take power naps. We’re sorry this took a while; we didn’t want to amount of answers to impact the quality of our article. Thanks for all of the questions, feedback, and support. This article would be nothing without the people who have contributed. Special shoutout to our editors and Radar for putting up with our antics @Amy @Grace @Tara. We appreciate all of CPS, and thank you for making our articles matter a lot more than they should. Enjoy and let us know what you think.

How did the Imaarnav bromance start?

We met in our freshman year Spanish class. When Marta asked for our película favorita, we both wrote “Inception,” because we couldn’t think of anything else, and thus a friendship was born.

How do you deal with the bees all over campus?

Ask them if they like jazz.

Where next?

Purdue University for Imaan, University of Chicago for Arnav, and death eventually.

Why am I going to miss you both so much? Please give me advice on how to deal with missing you two.

Here’s a tip: Just find two other Indian people to confuse with each other. It’s as simple as that.

I want a cool vibe but I don’t know how to get it.

We aren’t really the cool people to ask, but we’re learning to skateboard this summer, so that should probably do the trick. Follow us on all the social media @BrownsOnBoardz.

So there’s this guy. I like him and I don’t think he likes me but sometimes he acts like it. It might just be his personality though. How do I know?

Ask him. Life is too short for overthinking. Go for it: if it works out it works, and if it doesn’t, then I promise it’ll be okay.

Why does the Radar have black text on a black background for the comment section?

We actually brought this up to Radar and they supposedly fixed it!

When will the article be released?

This is definitely one of the worst questions we’ve ever gotten. Now?

You guys never answer my questions…

What happened to Senior Drop?

Faculty dropped it.

What if you feel like your best friend is drifting away from you because they’re only focusing on the person that they have a crush on?

This is, to some degree, inevitable, but you shouldn’t take this as a statement about your self-worth. All relationships have their honeymoon phases. You still matter. Take the time to talk to some new people and appreciate other people in your life. If your friend cares, they’ll make time for you. If they don’t, talk to them about it.

Why do people use texting abbreviations when they aren’t texting?

lol idk

What’s your advice when looking for a job?

There are lots of really good online resources for this, like Indeed and Glassdoor, which will make the process of looking for a job really easy. You should also reach out to people you know, because they can hook you up with internships and summer jobs.

How much water does it take to make someone not thirsty anymore?

Honestly, this was question #69 on our Google Sheet and we couldn’t stop laughing.

Arnav, how do you distinguish yourself among the multitude of AGuptas? I want to feel special again.

Make yourself known for something — start a club, make assembly announcements, etc. — and you’ll feel more unique! Every AGupta is special <3

So I’m about to see my “friends” from my old school and I want to brag that I went to CPS despite their low expectations for me, but I don’t want to be obvious about it. Any ideas?

Wear CPS gear, be really subtle and mention CPS in conversation, or have them follow your social media and add ‘CPS’ to your bio. Say “what’s a jayhawk?!” completely unprompted at a random time in the conversation.

How do I get Imaan to like me?

Treat me poorly.

What’s the best advice you have for junior year?

It doesn’t get easier, you just get better.

I have a crush on someone, but my friend also really likes them. I don’t want to get in the way of my friendship, but I can’t sit here doing nothing about the way I feel about my crush.

Talk it out with your friend. Friendships are more important. It’s a tough situation but I promise this person isn’t worth losing a friend over.

What’s the best way to stay positive?

Square yourself.

How do I get my mom to love me?

You’re asking the wrong people.

How do I find love?

Again, wrong people.

What are the best things to do (not necessarily food) with friends within walking distance from CPS?

Bookstores on College Ave, walk in the Rockridge neighborhoods, BART to San Francisco or downtown Oakland, picnic at Temescal, obviously lots of good food, shop at thrift stores, etc.

Can you roast like Imaan?

Did I invite you to my BBQ?

Best sports team at cps?


Do people seek advice from you in person?

Yes, occasionally, when they’re not trying to actively avoid us.

My club is broke. How do I make money?

Sorry, we’ll direct you to the Robotics Club advice column.

My friend really likes this guy that I can’t stand, and he can’t stand me either. How do I handle that, and what should I do if their relationship escalates?

Talk to your friend first, and then talk to the guy. If your friend is dismissive, decide if you prioritize the friendship enough to deal with the fact that they like this guy.

Do y’all prefer Imaarnav or Armaan?

Imaarnav for sure.

What do you do when you feel like you have no one who will actually help you with your problems when you open up to them?

First consider talking to an adult on campus like Sara LC. If you want to talk to peers you should find someone you trust and give them a chance; they may surprise you. Never think that you’re alone, because I promise someone cares.

What are your respective Hogwarts houses?

Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, figure out who’s who.

Help! I have zero classes with Imaan and have a void of bad puns in my life

Looks like no one will have any classes with me anymore. All pun powers are passed down to 2019.

In your opinion, is it better to spend most of your time focusing on one interest (such as a certain sport or hobby), or spread your time out over many different ones?

Early on it’s better to spread out, but later on in high school, you should focus on what you’re passionate about.

How do I get the girl of my dreams?

Go to sleep?

What does it mean if your friend group tells you that you mean a lot to them, and are super supportive, but never invite you to hangouts?

You should take initiative and invite them places. See if it’s reciprocated. If it’s not, let them know. If nothing changes, move on. You are important, so find the people that make you feel that way.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Aerospace Engineer and Broke Finance or Law

What’s your favorite meme?

Imaan: Ima Keep It Real With Ya Chief OR Brain expansion OR surreal memes.

Arnav: You know I had to do it to em.

I’m a freshman, and I want to know if I can leave campus during my free block. I’ve asked lots of different people and gotten different responses.

Yes you can, but only during your second semester. Make sure you are on time for class afterwards, and use the sign out sheet to indicate to the main office when you left campus and when you returned.

Ya like jazz?

Follow me on Spotify @arny2k and take a look at the name of my second playlist. A cookie to the first person who finds out what it is.

If your life was turned into a movie, what actor would play you?

Literally any brown actor, because none of you would be able to tell the difference anyways

I’m having trouble studying for tests as a freshman, I always think I’m prepared when really I should’ve studied something in more detail. Any advice?

Reach out to your teachers — they’re one of the best resources at CPS. They can break down tests for you and pinpoint your weaknesses so you don’t make mistakes in those same concept areas. Also, people in the Learning Center offer great study tips.

Communism or Capitalism?

Arnav – Regulated capitalism

Imaan – Anarchy

What happens after you die?

Hopefully not reincarnation.

Since I’ve quit soccer, I’ve lost my goal in life…do you have any suggestions?

Find something else you’re passionate about! There are so many opportunities at CPS. If you ever miss the thrill of soccer, make sure to head down to the gym deck during the fall and spring seasons at around 3:30 to hear Godwin scream “___’S SOCCER!” at the top of his lungs.

Does policy debate require a lot of work? How do you deal with that?

Policy debate is definitely time intensive, and you shouldn’t do it if you don’t feel super passionate about it. Other forms of debate are really great if you like arguing but don’t enjoy heavy researching and tedious workloads.

How do I know when to quit something?

If you don’t feel motivated or invested in the activity, it’s natural to move on and try something else.

Why are fire trucks red?


Who is the best teacher you never had at CPS?

Imaan: DSong

Arnav: Doc

What’s your favorite color?

Imaan: purple

Arnav: light pink

What are you looking forward to in college?

The new experiences, the freedom, and being away from each other.

Does Imaan actually answer questions?

<Imaan, answer this one>

What percentage of questions are actually insults?

A lot. But after the forum and the conversation, we were really happy with the supportive and positive nature of the questions. Here are some of the prior comments, in addition to the ones mentioned in the radio piece:

If Imaan is dark chocolate, what is Arnav?

What’s your favorite type of naan?

I’m short, chubby, brown, and my initials are I.S. Why does no one love me?

what is it like to have nobody//be a giant ball of things to improve on?

Ur article is not funny.


has anyone ever told you (@arnav) that you look like a turtle??

Can you teach me how to dress badly?

Why is Imaan’s nose so big?

When’s the little one coming?

Help I don’t have any classes with you and honestly that’s pretty good

In terms of parsecs, how big is too big for a nose?

tell me an indian joke

Do you plan on keeping in touch with people from CPS after you graduate?

Yes! I think one of the hardest things about leaving is not being able to see those people who we aren’t super close with, but are acquaintances that we’re used to seeing around campus. Those will be the hardest relationships to maintain, but they’re definitely worth the energy.

If there is a finite amount of matter in the universe, how does Olive Garden offer unlimited salad and breadsticks?

It’s technically limited by your lifespan.

How do you deal with your haters?

I get really salty and cry myself to sleep

What’s a good way to make friends in other grades?

Talk to them. They’re not all bad. Just keep trying.

Can you make some memes? Challenge: you should be in each of the memes, and they should be CPS-related.

We thought about doing this but honestly we’re pretty big memes so…Does this article count?

How much editing do you do to the questions?

We (by which we mean the Radar editors) fix some basic spelling and grammatical mistakes.

You know that feeling which you get when you’re sick or really tired and everything seems absolutely terrible? Do you know of any way to combat that other than getting more sleep?

Try and branch out to do something new. Go for a run, hang out with friends, play video games, or do whatever makes you feel less stressed.

What is the best way to cram study?

Ideally, you wouldn’t have to cram study because you’re managing your time! But if it comes to that, as it often does, make sure you spend time on the most important and difficult concepts. Get in touch with your other just-as-desperate friends. When all else fails, try repetition.

What will you miss most about CPS (other than me)?

The community, although technically that would include you, whoever you are…

How to deal with a bad grade?

Use it as a learning tool. Meet with your teacher to go over your mistakes, and study smart for the next test. There’s lots of time in a semester, so you’ll be okay. Make sure you know the material well before the final, because that matters a lot.

Why does nobody like me?

Sorry, this question was submitted by Imaan.

Tips on how to not get super stressed out by the college process?

Say it with us: everything will be okay. Do not worry about what other people think, because people at CPS are supportive and understanding. Don’t worry about the yes or no. Know what you want to write about and what you want for your next 4 years.

Biggest fear?

Imaan: Whales

Arnav: Blood Tests

What’s the toughest thing you’ve had to learn at CPS?

You might have been the hotshot that was good at everything in middle school, but you’ll start to feel like you’re pretty average at CPS. That’s normal, but tough to learn.

What’re your favorite elements?

Sodium and Chloride

How can I stay in touch with seniors who are leaving?

We have a Google Sheets that was shared with the entire school with our college/personal emails. Once you send them an email, they’ll be sure to send you their social media information to keep in constant contact.

What’s your secret to winning “couple that never was?” Asking for a friend.

If you have it you have it.

What’s it like to have to write a speech for graduation

Fun, but sometimes nerve wracking. It’s hard to make something personal but also speak to your entire class. I think I was hilariously underqualified for the job. If you want to speak at graduation, don’t be afraid to try out. You might surprise yourself.

What’s the best Disney movie?

From 2000 onwards: The Incredibles, Finding Nemo, Monsters Inc.

If I promise to be good next year, will you continue the advice column?

You know that we’ll still exist next year. If you need jokes or advice or someone to talk to, just ask us. We probably won’t have any friends in college, so we’ll have free time.

Could another cold war stop global warming?

Yeah! It could start a nuclear winter, which I hear is the best cure for rising temperatures!

Out of everything you’ve done at CPS, what are you most proud of?

The friends we made.

I need to hide a body. Where should I put it?

The Recording Studio.

You say that our question doesn’t have to be good, yet you also say that your article is only as good as our questions. Why must you confuse me. I have no idea what the standards are for questions anymore. My life is a mess. You’ve sparked an existential crisis. How could you?

Our article, like this question, sucks.

What’s your favorite Snapchat filter?

Flower crown and the new Snap games.

What is the prettiest tree on campus?

There’s a really pretty pink and white tree in the courtyard that blooms around springtime.



I’m a freshman. How do I get upperclassmen to respect me?

Assert your dominance.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

But not a triangle??? Illuminati confirmed.

Do you have a cps bucket list? If yes, what’s on it? If no, what would you put on it?

Well it’s too late now, but for the rest of you… I really wanted to get in a fist fight, so go make me proud.

I’m trying to be nicer and someone keeps being really mean about it? What can I do when I’m faced with adversity?

Maybe this person isn’t used to you treating them this way. Give it time. If you’ve done something to breach their trust it can’t be rebuilt instantly. Rome wasn’t built in a day, or maybe it was, idk I took Spanish.

If you guys write an article about failure and nobody reads it, is it considered a success?

Nobody reads our article anyway.

What are your opinions on finstas?

If you enjoy ranting on social media, go for it. Just don’t be excessive.

Why are my grades so low?

Don’t be discouraged! School can be tough, but keep your chin up, and don’t let your grades determine your worth.

Why does our school smell of cat litter?

It’s waiting for Tofu to one day rejoin us at CPS.

Do you two plan on staying best friends in college?

We’ll definitely be friends, we’ll talk and visit, but life goes on. We’ll always have these articles as a reminder.

Tips for petitioning for AP bio? What are the differences between honors and AP?

I probably should have answered this before course selection, but basically AP Bio requires more work and studying. Not a lot more, but you will definitely have to do the readings and do extra work outside of class. The most important thing in your decision should be whether or not you’re interested in biology. You can be willing to put in the work, but if you don’t enjoy what you’re studying it’s not going to feel like a worthwhile experience. You can switch classes before the drop deadline, so don’t be afraid to try out the other option.

There’s a guy I like, but he’s a senior and I’ve heard that he’s not really looking for a relationship. Should I still tell him how I feel or give up?

First of all, he’s a senior, so you might as well go for it. And regardless, if you feel like you’re close enough, even if he says no, the two of you can stay friends.

Why doesn’t Imaan love me?

He doesn’t even love himself, calm down.

As you graduate, what is your biggest regret from your life at cps? p.s. we will miss you 🙂

Imaan: I’d say my biggest regret might be not appreciating the community around me. It’s hard to find people this awesome and I will truly miss them. I wish I had spent more time talking to them and getting to know them as people rather than just a class.

Arnav: My biggest regret is not using the resources around me as well as I could’ve. I really struggled my freshman and sophomore year, and I was too shy to go to office hours or group study with friends.  

How do I get my dog to love me? I feed him a lot, but I think he’s just getting fat rather than liking me more.

Take care of him in other ways. Take it for walks, pet it, spend time with it, love it and it shall love you.

Will the CPS Communist Party ever stop? Please stop them. They must be eradicated.

Seize the means of production, comrades.

How many Ls does it take to make a W?

We’re still waiting for a W…so we’ll let you know.

What has been your favorite question in your advice column (excluding this one of course)?

Arnav: “What can you see on the horizon? Why do the white gulls call?”

Imaan: “I’m like with someone but they don’t know. What do?”

This question lacks a lot of effort and proper grammar but it stuck to me as a quintessential example of confusion.

What are your thoughts on memes/meme culture and their continually growing influence in the world?

One thing that’s shocked me is how short meme lifespans are becoming. We used to have memes that would last months and now we’re burning through multiple formats in a week. It isn’t sustainable. As new organizations and corporations try to catch up to cash in on the newest #FellowKids moment, our memes are constantly evolving. If you look at places like r/MemeEconomy, you’ll see just how desperate some meme elitists are to stay ahead of the normies (reeee). But eventually we’ll be down to memes that last a day or even hours before being corrupted. Eventually memes will lose all value because once they’re used they’re no longer cool. Personally, I’ve begun to invest in surreal memes. I don’t think they are a permanent safe haven, but they have no defined format or style to be imitated and they require an IQ only rivaled by Rick and Morty fans.

How do you save yourself from weebs (time sensitive)!?


What’s the most underrated thing about CPS?

The people and the support system that’s created by the faculty and students alike.

How to become the GOAT?

Whatever you do on your quest, please just don’t eat Poison Hemlock.

Why have you two decided to stay at CPS and become freshmen again? Regardless, enjoy repeating CPS again.


Why are most of the senior guys always shirtless. Like seriously, dude, cover that stuff up. I am here to learn not to see your skin. Thanks!

Please find a way to fix this when we’re gone. Start a petition, boycott Chabon’s office, anything at all.

What does it feel like to be leaving CPS?

Bittersweet. I feel ready to move on, but I also feel like I haven’t completed everything that I wanted to. I’m going to miss the people here. Even if I didn’t always appreciate them, they shaped 4 years of my life.


Can you guys please release an unedited version of all your questions (not necessarily answered) because school is stressful and I think it would make me laugh???

Here are a bunch of questions we didn’t know how to answer or just weren’t motivated to. Some are jokes that are worth sharing or just a collection of words we don’t understand.  We value all questions so if we haven’t answered yours it might be here. If it isn’t it means it was either too confusing, inappropriate, or a bit too random to be included. We hope it brings you some joy, it definitely did for us.

What is another word for “thesaurus”?

What makes saltines “premium”?

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?

Is The Hunger Games based on a true story?

On a daily basis, what time would you recommend that I pick up my son from school?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you never see ads for advertising companies?

What can you see on the horizon? Why do the white gulls call?

What is a dolphin?

What is love?

What are your thoughts on antidisestablishmentarianism??

If you’re waiting for a waiter, aren’t you a waiter?

My soul has been shattered by the constant terror. How to I reform it?

what if math teachers are actually just pirates and want us to find the X for them over and over again….

Is the S or the C silent in scent?

Imaan how u get that fresh beard

May I speak to your manager please?

Was Diogenes just a nutjob, or was he somehow on a whole other level?

The meaning of opaque has always been unclear to me…do you have any advice?

How often do you make jokes about chemistry?

Is CPS good? Or are grades god? The real meta questions.

Hi! Recently, my two best friends and I have been having a lot of fun, and have been sort of leaders in our community. However, one of them sadly got KIA (we’re all in the military), and the other one was married to my daughter, who also recently passed away. Now he and I are becoming enemies, and I think that he is going to call me back to kill me with the authorization of the Senate. What do?

I have a friend who keeps on making fun of my fashion choices. I wanted to wear my favorite hat to school but he said I looked like a homeless train conductor. They say to dress for the job you want, and when I grow up I want to move to the rust belt and live in a trailer home as a former railway worker who was put out of of a job by the deindustrialization of America. Is this the end of my dream? How do I get him to respect my dreams? What can I do to still strive towards my dreams without inciting the ridicule of my peers?

I have a friend with a rare disorder and as such I am having difficulty understanding his point of view. Due to an imbalance of fluids in his inner ear, he has been unable to distinguish left from right for his entire life. Lately I have found it extremely difficult to communicate with him, as I am unable to convey the concept of direction to him. I feel like our discussions go nowhere. What can I do to emphasize and communicate better with him? How do I translate the concept of directions to somebody who doesn’t understand them?

What do you do when your grandpa can’t remember your own name, and essentially renames you to whatever your 10-year-old friend says?

My friends keep telling me I’m like Joy from Inside Out, but I know Sadness is my spirit animal. How do I confront them about misidentifying me???

I don’t like wearing my glasses because they make me self conscious, but my mom says they help with math…I guess it’s because they improve my di-vision.

My mom is kinda helicoptering and smothering me. She always dotes on me, and made sure that I got a pretty exclusive political opportunity that I don’t even want to do (I just want to play music). She even tried to control my relationship with a girl because she didn’t approve of her “lower class.” I’ve already tried killing her by poison, collapsing the roof over her bedroom, and a specially-made self-destructing boat, but she knows how to swim. Do you guys have any suggestions?

Will somebody continue this into next year?

Probably, but they won’t be as good.

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