Kash Patel Set to Begin Residency in CPS’ Very Own Tech Office Following “Hands-On Cybersecurity Experience”

After his recent email breach, Kash Patel will reportedly complete a mandatory residency in the school Tech Office “to better understand how computers and the world work.” The residency comes in the wake of an unprecedented and catastrophic digital event. Sources confirmed that Patel not only had his personal email hacked but may have also unintentionally forwarded a hundred percent of his brain cells to Iran, Russia, or perhaps Space itself.

The Tech Office released this statement:

“Mr. Patel will begin with foundational concepts, including turning devices off and on, identifying suspicious links, and refraining from forwarding his entire brain to external parties. Advanced modules include ‘please stop trying to reset the entire internet.’”

At press time, the Tech Office reportedly implemented a temporary lockdown on all outgoing emails, citing “safety concerns and the fate of the multiverse.” School administrators admit the decision has already affected the CPS academic environment. Just days before beginning his residency, Patel was observed attempting to reset the Cougar Cafe vending machine by bashing his head repeatedly on the glass. Earlier this week, Patel was spotted in the library asking a freshman if Google was “a person you could talk to.”

Campus security has already installed new interfaces around the parking lot and entry safety bollards because Patel was spied pressing buttons repeatedly and giggling while yelling, “Up!” and “Down!”