The Inside Scoop: How a harmless Junior Bio lab led to the creation of a sentient E. coli on campus

For the past month, unbeknownst to the CPS population, E. coli has been alive on campus.

“Well, it all started with a slight slip-up with our lab prep, when E. coli failed to mutate to be docile,” describes Cameron. “Instead, we seem to have created a sentient strand that perfectly mimics human cognitive patterns and associated actions, behaving in much the same way as a human can, albeit on a much smaller scale.” E. coli synthabiotic alpha-trexel (from here onward colloquially referred to as E. coli sapiens) possesses microscopic omniscience receptors and is able to read human thoughts the moment human users start Googling symptoms. Its signature move, “peristaltic persuasion,” allows it to subtly influence human decision-making (you think you chose the hamburger… or did you?).

But how did such a powerful entity enter the campus? I was lucky enough to sit down with Cameron and obtain an in-depth biological explanation. Readers, buckle in for some PHD level stuff (actualty, several biologists have spent their careers learning about just this step): “Well, the alpha-pleated sheet encoded for in the eight codon of the neo-DNA strand leads to a quantum deganglement, causing a Schrodinger situation — we don’t know if it will form a thinking brain, or be harmless like the one we use in our labs. It seems that a student accidentally observed the neo-particles in their quaternary dimensional state, causing a quantum collapse that leads to sentience.”

For the sake of privacy, the student will remain unnamed. Lucky for us, the biology team was able to swiftly neutralize the threat by using the neo-sarcophagus method first pioneered by Bhor Feynman, causing the E. coli to infect itself. So, after a busy day for the department (and a couple of ultra-bright flashes in their office), the E. coli has been exterminated.

All in a day’s work for a teacher.